I Should Have Said hi!

Dear Reader,

I should have said hi! Recently, a thought has been swimming in my head after repeatedly observing my actions. What even is the meaning of a hello? Is it a signal that you acknowledge someone’s presence? Is it a sign of respect? Is it a sign of connection? Is it a sign of friendliness and common courtesy?

Growing up, I struggled to understand social cues at specific moments. A simple hello or shake of hands would get overthought in my brain, causing me to come off as awkward or uninterested. So, I forced myself out of my social anxiety; I masked and began to practice and acknowledge people everywhere and in every situation. Most were pleasant, but as of recently, I have been reflecting on me being the receiver of a greeting.

What would happen if I were to stop saying hello and initiate a greeting first, would I get one first? So, I gave it a try, a time for my ego of self-importance to shine. So I tried it, and, for the most part, my presence was unseen(this excludes very close friendships I have; I love ya’ll). Whether it was a professor I had worked closely with or a friendship that was distanced by time. I felt guilty not saying hello. I also felt unimportant to some degree. My critical thinking brain tells me they were not in the mood or too busy. My brain also thinks I should not think of myself in that high status of self-importance. Nobody owes me any of their energy as I also owe nobody my energy.

I began to have a relationship existential crisis. Did I psych myself this entire time thinking I was part of communities or friendships? Was I just annoying in my pursuit of being friendly with everyone? They do say that communication goes both ways. But what if they felt the same? What if they were waiting to be acknowledged first?

I asked myself, Where is this guilt coming from? Is it because I felt I was reverting to a younger me who struggled with typical human exchange? Was it because I felt like greeting them out of genuine nature?

So, I came back in full circle. I should have said hi! Not because it is an action that would make me be perceived as normal but because I have genuinely grown to like greeting people.

Yesterday, I said hello to one of my favorite professors, and they also were excited to say hi back! I felt so much belonging at University again. I hope my hello also gave them a feeling of acknowledgment.

So, as I reflect again, I have grown into someone who gets excited to see people I know and feel comfortable around. And whether I receive a greeting back or not, I know that my expression comes from a genuine and pure place.

So yes, I should have said hi! I will get back on track to say hi even if it’s still hard sometimes and my hands shake. 🫨